Ace your calculus tests drunk

Guest writer Vojda Lurchy.

Guest writer Vojda Lurchy.

Dear readers, the Lords of the Drinks are proud to present the first guest writer on our blog. Vojda Lurchy is a good friend of your usual writers Nikolay and Micky. A Bulgarian lad who has both drinking and writing skills. We could wait for the (European) morning to post this. But we would like you to read it in the time that it was written; way past the time that one is supposed to start drinking. The perfect moment to reveal his revolutionary theory on how to ace your calculus exams.

Good morning, friends of “Lords of the Drinks.” I deliberately say morning, because even if it’s 4:00 pm it’s gonna be the perfect time for a true lord of the drinks to wake up. I am known as Vojda (chieftain in Bulgarian) Lurchy and I am majoring in mathematics. Things are pretty tough in the world of numbers, especially when you get to a point the numbers are the only familiar math signs. And this is the point I am going to brag about. I managed to score all of my math courses with an A with only one exception – I got B- on only one of them.

How did I achieve that? Long sleepless nerdy nights? No social life? Hell, no! The secret of my mathematical success came from alcohol. And this strategy for acing the courses really works, believe me. It all started when I aced my first Calculus class. It was freakishly easy, so I just went on drinking through the whole night. I did not get that shitfaced, but I was drunk enough to do an all-nighter right before the exam, without doing anything academic. In the end the result was clear – an A.

This triggered my math interest and I took three more math courses on the following semester. Two of them were kinda easy, but the third one – Calculus III, was hard as hell! And at the end I got A on the easier courses and B- on Calculus III. Seems logical, but then I deduced something – I got drunk as shit on the evenings before the aced exams, and went to bed sober before doing Calculus III.

One of the easier courses that semester was linear algebra. And the night before the exam was EPIC!!! I went to a restaurant nearby and got the challenge to chug as many beers as I can take. And it completely destroyed my clear thoughts. Then I went to chalga – a style of music I do not like very much. The bad thing is that I lost my umbrella in the chalga place, which I realized when I got back home. So as any drunk I did something completely not logical – I went outside and started digging through the thick snow to check whether I left it there. Well, guess you can guess the result: aced the exam.

And if you are not convinced yet that alcohol made my academic success, there is this final case which proves it completely. The next course, logically, was Calculus IV. And, again logically, it was way harder than calculus III. So when the midterm came I was sure that I am going to fail it – I did not attend a lot of classes and never understood anything. So there I was, sitting in my room, being completely desperate about my midterm the following morning. And then an idea came to me – can this whole alcoholic strategy help me one more time?

If I had my clear reasoning, I would realize that this is probably the worst idea to get shitfaced right before a crucial exam. But no, my reasoning is all party-oriented. So I just gathered with some friends for a talk. The rain was strong outside, so I did not feel like going out and buying myself some booze. And then I got luckier than ever – a girl passed by and said that she is going to the store and asked us if we want something. Ok, I must admit, she did not ask us, but at the second she mentioned the store I jumped with joy and with all of my impertinence I asked for a bottle of beer. I was so satisfied – I got a drink before my midterm, so I have hope of passing the creeping course!

The following hour or so I spend on drinking two 2-liter bottles of beer, I can’t say if I had anything more or no. All I remember is going back to my room having terrible case of hiccups, and then throwing up a huge one… And my roommates said that I have never been so drunk in my life. And they’ve seen me drunk, believe me!

And the miracles were yet to begin. I managed to wake up half an hour before my midterm, so I went out, still being drunk and hitting the walls, talked to some people but no idea who they were and what I had. And then I entered the classroom… the midterm started. I spend some time looking at the problems given and thought to myself: “WTF is this???” Then, as I started reading them all over again, I got the enlightenment… and solved them all!!!

After that I just went to sleep and when I woke up I saw some endearing pictures of me being wasted and a video clip of me talking about the unavailability of a cure for hiccups. And the video ended with me throwing the empty beer bottle at the camera guy. So I hope I was of use to those of you who are going through the scary looking math courses. And even if you major in something else – try this strategy out. It might work

* A little footnote by the Lords of the Drinks: a big thanks to Vojda Lurchy for his awesome post. And remember the time it was written guys and also remember that drunk people tell the truth! If you have an awesome theory or anecdote don’t hesitate to contact us. Cheers!

You want to read more true drunk stories? Check out our collection.

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