Have you ever had to explain historical events to a drunk person? Not so easy is it?! Well the best way to do this is probably by translating the facts in a language that he or she understands. Let’s imagine world history took place in a bar. This is the first episode of what happened in Europe in the period of Nazi Germany.
1914-1918 Germany has a wild party, but it doesn’t end well. The bar staff France and England lay all kinds of restrictions on him. And for many years the German company sits at home, just paying the bill for this party without enjoying a single drink. Naturally this pisses Germany off pretty bad.
January 30, 1933 After years of abstinence Germany comes back to the bar, as Hitler becomes chancellor, and orders a beer. The bartenders remember the last appearance of this notorious customer, but can not stop him from having some beers.
February 27, 1933 Germany knocks back a flame shot called Reichstag and that kicks in. Hitler feels he is now in a state that he can boss the others in his company around. “Nothing but good old German beers and schnapps”, he yells out. Then he turns to three guys in the corner: “Hey, have you heard this one? A Jew, a Gypsy and a homo walk into the wrong bar!”
January 26, 1934 The Germans agree with their Polish neighbor at the bar that they won’t touch his vodka for at least ten years. For now they’ve got only eye for beer.
January 7, 1935 The bartenders serve Germany a sweet white wine from the banks of the Saar river.
March 7, 1936 Hitler really starts to enjoy the wine and grabs a full bottle of Rhineland from the bar. Now this is not according to the rules, as the bar staff clearly told him in Versaille. But they realize they might have been a little harsh on Germany. After all he just wanted to party right?!
November 15, 1936 Germany attends at a Sangria Party from his good friend Franco. Highlight of the party is the capturing of Madrid November 26th.
March 13, 1938 The Austrian buddies of German group join them in the bar and bring beer and obstler to the table. The bar staff is looking worried, since this is quite a big crowd. And with a loud group of Spaniards in one corner of the bar and an even louder group of Italians in the other, this party might get out of hand.
September 30, 1938 The bartenders, in a desperate attempt to control the wild customers, offer Germany a free round of beer from Sudetenland. This moment is known as the Munich Agreement.
November 9, 1938 The free drinks didn’t help as the Germans start smashing their glasses. This moment will later be referred to as ‘Kristallnacht‘.
March 15, 1939 Drunk Germans walk over to the nearest table, where some Czech guys are sitting. They claim this table is theirs and start drinking the Czech beers.
May 22, 1939 The drinking buddies Germany and Italy swear to remain best friends forever in a classic drunk conversation. They call their alliance the Pact of Steel.
August 23, 1939 German Ribbentrop and Molotov from Russia, who never really got along in this bar, decide to set their differences aside and share a bottle of Polish vodka that they see behind the bar.
September 1, 1939 Germany grabs the bottle of Polish vodka and takes the first sip. The bartenders England and France are fed up with this agressive customer and give the bouncers orders to remove him by force. Germany and Russia drink the stolen vodka as they get ready for the ultimate bar fight.
15 thoughts on “Drunk history: Europe under Nazi Germany (part I)”
This seems pretty innocuous when it’s phrased this way. I don’t know that the whole ‘drunk asshole’ thing full describes Germany much after that point, though. 😀
Yeah we have to see how we’re gonna do it when all hell breaks lose… Not sure what to do with the holocaust and the death of millions of others… But let’s worry about that later! 😉
Yeah.. not sure how to swing that either. You could compare Germany to the drunk guy that wants to fight everyone but it gets tricky with the giant ovens.. good luck!
Thanks a lot… I believe inspiration will come to me when I start hitting the bottle myself! 😉
I wish this wasn’t so funny, but it might work in a weird way
Haha oh well… I hope so. I have seen a simular conversation like this in Facebook-terms that was brilliant. That gave me the idea of making one with booze. Let’s see how far we can get! 😉
This is the first time I’ve written a story and my kids don’t thnk it is so hot. I told them I would see the finish to its bitter end. There must be bitters in your blog SOMEWHERE
Haha yes I believe so too! The bitters used in cocktails were also an option! 😉
Rather scarily, I understand this perfectly well.
Thanks for the link! 😉
Haha sure thing man! Thanks for visiting! 😀
Reblogged this on Lies, Liars, Beatniks and Hippies.
Might well be all a joke to you, but I got to say whoever wrote this is a bit of a twat is all…it might be 70 odd years ago but go fuck yourself for trivializing the holocaust!
That’s why the whole holocaust wasn’t mentioned in this story!
Pingback: The history of American outlaw Lewis Redmond, Robin Hood of moonshiners | Lords of the Drinks
Pingback: How alcohol played a key role in warfare around the world | Lords of the Drinks