When drinking heavily one can get into situations that we don’t directly understand. To help you on your way we wrote a manual with all the possible symptoms you might experience, the most likely explanations of what’s going on and how to deal with the situation. This is the largest troubleshooting chart for beer drinkers you will find online.

Symptom: Feet feel cold and wet.
Explanation: Glass is held in an incorrect angle.
Solution: Rotate glass till opening faces the ceiling. Now bring to mouth and finish it.

Symptom: Feet feel warm and wet
Explanation: You lost control over your bladder.
Solution: Go stand next to the nearest dog and start complaining it’s not properly trained.

Symptom: Beer is unusually pale and tasteless.
Explanation: Glass is empty.
Solution: Get somebody to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall is covered with blinding lights.
Explanation: You have fallen over backward.
Solution: Have someone pull you back on your bar seat.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Explanation: You have fallen forward.
Solution: See above.

Symptom: The front of your shirt is wet and the beer is tasteless.
Explanation: Your mouth is closed or you brought your glass to a wrong place in your face.
Solution: Retreat to the toilet and practice.

Symptom: Everything seems blurry
Explanation: You are looking through an empty glass.
Solution: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor or ceiling is moving.
Explanation: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if they take you to another bar.

Symptom: Everything seems very dark.
Explanation: The bar has closed.
Solution: See if the tap still works. If not, switch to bottles.

Symptom: You grew at least a meter taller than everyone else in the bar.
Explanation: You’re dancing on the table.
Solution: Find somebody ‘cushy’ to break your fall.

Symptom: Your beer is crystal clear.
Explanation: Somebody tried to sober you up with water.
Solution: Punch the bastard.

Symptom: Your hand and nose hurt and you don’t recognize anyone in this place.
Explanation: You walked into the wrong party and got into a fight.
Solution: Keep a low profile and see if they have free beer.

Symptom: You’re dancing to a song by the Village People and leather seems to be the dresscode around you.
Explanation: You’re in a gay bar.
Solution: Keep your back to the wall and enjoy the free drinks you get offered.

Symptom: Your bedroom is painted grey, has a massive steel door and may have a toilet conveniently placed next to your bed.
Explanation: You’re either in jail or in the navy.
Solution: Don’t worry and just sleep it off. Don’t talk to your new roommate and whatever you do, don’t sleep on your stomach.

Symptom: Your bed feels hard, cold and wet and you can’t see anything in your bedroom.
Explanation: You spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check the time if the bars are still open.

Symptom: Your singing sounds awful.
Explanation: You didn’t drink enough.
Solution: Have more beers until you hear the voice of an angel.

Symptom: You don’t remember the lyrics of the song.
Explanation: You are right where you want to be.
Solution: Play air guitar.

Micky Bumbar

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